What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
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The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
😂 amazing answer
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?