Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
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Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
At least my masseuse has my back.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
welp
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.