It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
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I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
i actually laughed 😩