Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
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foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
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Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.