Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
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[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.