[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
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[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
Who says great literature is dead?
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.