my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
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Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
The hardest thing Vision has to do
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.