Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
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Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”