When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
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me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
this is funnier than any friends episode
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.