What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
You Might Also Like
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
Just grow your own
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
This makes total sense…
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.