My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
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wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE