You Might Also Like
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
they finally got him. they got macavity
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
I forgot how to panic. Help
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
This did not end as expected.
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.