[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
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Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
why isn’t he texting back
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.