i wish i could marry a nap
You Might Also Like
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.