All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
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me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
Had a spot of bother earlier.
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*