My Guy
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I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.