mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
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my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…