Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
You Might Also Like
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
unbelievably distressed by this ad
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”