OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
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My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
My whole life was a lie.
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.