Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
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[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
“Why you watching this shit?”
I am also baked goods
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.