Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
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There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
watergate? u mean a dam??
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
What the hell happened here.
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food