The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
You Might Also Like
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
Spring cleaning checklist…
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy