Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
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Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.