She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
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Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”