the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
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just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
what?
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
*aggressively waits in line*
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.