I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
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My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
My god she’s good.
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr