How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
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I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.