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If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
Netflix and you sit over there.
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.