Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
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Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
the official breakfast of 2021
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff