her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
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I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄