Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
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Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
The Punning Dead.
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead