Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
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*pronounces injury like lingerie*
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
mom gave me mine for free
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.