If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
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if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
somewhere, in an alternate universe
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
They also CAN sing✌️
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
How long do you have to wait between naps?
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi: