I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
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me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
Our lord and savoury.
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.