The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
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If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
Bread puns are on the rise!
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there