You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
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There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.