When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
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What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
Ooh I do like a good funnel
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm