It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
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God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99