I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
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Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
Breaking news:
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)