Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
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UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
Every house has this drawer
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.