Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
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diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
Mad Max: Furry Road
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”