A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
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CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside