Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
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[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No