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Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
I had to Stop for this
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”