I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
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“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Eggs benadryl my favourite
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.