deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
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My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.