When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
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I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
Need this in my life lol
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup