*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
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*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
my dad has had enough