-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
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If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
My diet starts in January
of 2027
very niche meme I made
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.