“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
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The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
I have two kinds of followers
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.